Letters and Regrets
by holbycityandcasualtyfan
Summary: Just a little Jac and Jonny One shot. R&R and if anyone can suggest a story line i may continue.
1. Chapter 1 Jac's letter

Regrets and Letters

Its had been just over a month since Jac had pushed the detonate button on hers and Jonnys relationship. Ever since she had arrived back from Sweden after coaxing back Mr Hanssen they had been inspearble they hadnt spent a night apart. Right up until the night she slept with Sean.

Jonny had promised Mo he would go to her brothers party after he had blown her off a few weeks back to spend the night with Jac. Jac didnt mind this as it was only 1 night and it gave her chance to catch up with her research. The day had been pretty tough after finding out about Joesph's wedding Jac was sent into a sprial not being able to concentrate on anything, consiquentaly resulting in nearly killing a patient.

While Jac was sat in a lecture about new heart transplant trials all she could think about was Jonny and what she had done. She never intended on cheating. She was an emotional wreck, she had no idea what she was doing. Craving emotional support. 'I have to put things right' Jac thought to herself. 'Starting with Jonny.'

That night Jac sat in her Hotel room at the small wooden desk in the corner. She took out her pen and paper and began writing.

_Dear Jonny,_

_I know that as soon as you see how this is from you will want to chuck it away but please don't._

_I'm going to start off with saying i'm sorry... I know you probably wont believe it, but i truely am sorry. I was so shook up by the news of Joesphs wedding. You have no idea how much he meant to me. He is the only person how knows everything about me. The only person who i can completly trust... No scratch that one of the only people i can completly trust. The other is you._

_Im going to tell you some things about me things that i have only ever told Joesph about. I know you won't want to hear it but im going to tell you anyway... _

_When i was 12 my mother abandoned me. Left me in care she sodded off to India. I thought it was my fault, I mean there must have been something so fundementally wrong with me for her to just leave without a word. I started to self harm. Didnt eat, shut my self off from everyone around me. Then one day i went to far, cut right through a major vessel in my leg, nearly bled to death. That when i never i had to change. I sorted my life out and trained to be a doctor. It took a while but i did it. I forgot about my mother. I didnt need her i had done alright for my self. _

_I never saw of though about her again up until 3 years ago. She arrived on Keller where i was working at the time i need of a Kidney transplant. No one knew she was my mother. When Micheal found out who she was he presuaded me to get tested to see if i was a match. I did, i turned out i was. I thought if i did this for her then maybe we could begin to rebuild our relationship. I went ahead with the transplant on my 35th birthday. I took her in after the Op giving up my room for her we began to rebuild our relationship. It was going well or so i thought. _

_She was pretending to be sick. Saying her body was rejecting the kidney. I went back to the hospital to change her onto some different anti-rejection drugs. While i was gone she disappered. She went to my dead Grandfathers house, who was very much alive. I followed her, even with my scar beginning infected i still carried on. Micheal came after me, he helped he find her. It turned out she knew all along about needing the transplant and had come back to use me as share parts. While i was at my so called dead grandfathers house i found out i had a Half sister, she wanted to know me came to the hospital to see me. I rejected her i didnt need family._

_Joesph left a few months later after the birth of his and Faye's son. I will tell you more about that at another time there is too much to say. He offered for me to go with him. But i declined i wasnt going to give up my life, career, my whole identify for a man who would also put me second , Harry always had to come first._

_3 months after Joesphs departure i meet you the lying people skills course. Do you remember? I do. I remember you walking towards me. All cocky and full of yourself. I knew from the moment i saw you. That you where someone special Jonny._

_When you started work at Holby yes i admit i was a little shocked to find out you where a NURSE but that didnt change my opinion of you. You where still the fine scottish young man you was great in bed. Im only joking well im not really but you get what i mean. _

_Jonny basically what i am trying to tell you is that you make me feel safe something i have never felt before not even with Joesph. I feel like i can trust you with anything. You are my life Jonny and i dont think i would know what to do with myself if i lost you over this. I know that this is all 100% my fault and i have brought all this apon myself but Jonny i truey mean it when i say that I love you will all my heart. I have never stopped loving you . I shouldnt have done what i did but i was craving emotional support and stupidly i turned to Sean instead of you. I dont know why i turned to Sean maybe it was because of what happened with Freya last christmas. But what i do know is that i could have turned to you. _

_Just one last thing before i go as it its now 1.55am and i have to be up in the morning _

_Idont remember much from that night. The night i told you about Sean but i do remember one thing you said to me before you walked away. It was when we where up on the ward. You said you where proud of me. I just want to know did you mean it? No one has ever said that to me before, well not truthfully away._

_So Jonny i know that you probably hate me right now and this letter will probably make you even more angry at me but i just want you to know that im think about you and that i love you. Please write back to me._

_All my Love forever and always _

_Jac x x _

Jac put down her pen, buried her head into her hands and sobbed. Why had she done this to herself. Why did she have to go a wreck it all just as she was getting some stability in her life ?

The next morning Jac awoke alone in her hotel room. She had been dreaming of what could have been. She had drempt that she and Sean had never happened. That her and Jonny where still together. Jac had everything she had ever wanted. Love, Happiness and Stability.

40 minutes later Jac exited her room clutching a white envolope adressed to Jonny she headed down to the hotel reception and placed it into the large post box on the desk. There she had done it there was no going back now.


	2. Chapter 2 Jonny's Letter

_**So here is the next chapter. I hope you like it and As always R&R as your comments really encourage me to keep writing. x x**_

Chapter 2

6 days past and the course was coming to a end, soon Jac would be heading back to Holby and hopefully back to Jonny but she still had no idea if he had read her read or even recieved it. That was until she headed down to the reception.

"Ahh Ms Naylor" The receptionist called over to her as Jac exited the lift. " This arrived for you this morning." she told Jac handing her a white envelope the wtiting on the front was unmistakable Jonnys own personal script.

Jac could hardly contain her excitement quickly giving the receptionist a quick smile before running off back to her room to open the letter.

_Dear Jac,_

_Jac i have just recieved your letter, im sat here in floods of tears as you may be able to tell from the wet patches on the paper._

_I miss you Jac and i am willing to forget about everything that has happened with Sean. I know you where shook up by the news of Joesphs wedding and me telling you to get over yourself was the best thing ive said to you. I understand that it is partly my fault that you slept with Sean because i wasnt there. You must have thought i was too busy with Mo to care and for that i am sorry._

_Getting on to the Main part of your letter im glad you told me all that stuff about you. It got me thinking, i feel special you know that Jac knowing that you have only ever trusted Joesph and myself enough to tell us this. It really does make me feel special Jac._

_Everything you have been through, who you are, why you are like you. Its all beginning to make sense. The stuff your mother put you through is terrible. I could never imagine what that would be like. _

_I could never imagine growing up without a family even though i dont see them often anymore i know they would always be there if i needed them. I understand that Joesph and Harry were the closest thing to family you had and when they left it must have felt like being abandoned all over again__. And the news of him moving on with his life must have been hard Jac. I really do understand that or a least try to understand that._

_About the people skills course yes. Yes i do remember that day, sticks out in the mind for me. You walked in i was talking to some guy in the corner, i immeaditly spotted you. You sat down in the seat next to mine and took out your phone. I thought i would come over and annoy you so thats what i did. I remember you where looking at hair dressers not that your hair needed anything doing to it. It was perfect, it always is. _

_I pointed out to you the signs telling you to switch off mobile phones, you told me that you where a consultant so it didnt apply to you. I thought that if i told you i was just a nurse you would loss all intrest of I lied, told you i was a neurgosurgeon, you actually believed he i know you did. Anyway the rest of the morning is a bit of a blur for me but i remember use getting coffee in the lunch break before i revieled by genius plan._

_I dont remember exactly how it happened but a few hours later we where in a hotel room, you where fast asleep i was laid there watching you. Yes i know that sounds a bit weird but Jac seriously you are beautiful when you sleep, not that you are not when you are awake but when you sleep you look so peaceful, so at easy like you havent any troubles. Then when you began to stir i asked you how you though your people skill where now. That was the whole point of the course to advance our people skills. You told me not to talk, i ignored you. I told you that i thought you werent going to do it. You told me you didnt that it never happened then you got up and left._

_I though i wasnt going to see you again and that scared me. It really did the prospect of you and me just being a one time thing was something i didnt want. I understand at first all i was to you was sex. Quick easy no strings attacted sex, but i just want you to know that you where never just sex to me. I dont quite remember when things between us changed but i know that they did. And then that day in your office when you said that you had to make more of a effort to keep your personal life out of work i was devestated i really was and i only snapped at you because of that. _

_Then just before christmas that night when we where both oncall. It was quiet that night not many patients on the ward and the others where coping well. You where sat in your office catching up on patient note and your research i was sat in the nurses station just outside your office all i could think about was you. I decided to go and talk to you. When i arrived in your office you had been crying, i knew you had but you where trying your best to hide it but i could see it the normal green spark in your eyes wasnt there. Then you turned to me sat on the sofa next to me and cried onto my shoulder. I never asked you why you where crying i knew you wouldnt tell me. You cried on my shoulder for a good part of 3 hours before you fell asleep. I carried you into the oncall room pulling the duvet up to your neck before sitting in the chair next to the bed stroking your hair as you slept. _

_The next morning and it was christmas eve that day was tough on you i know what with Imelda snooping around the ward and that old ladys granddaughters relying on you to help get all her family around her. You handled them brilliant you really did Jac. You were again schuduled to be oncall again that night working right though untill christmas day. I was supposed to be spending christmas with Mo and her family but instead i decided i would spend it with you. _

_It was about 11pm that night and the family of the old lady where all on there way. I asked you to help me put the angel on the christmas tree, you asked what would be the best way to do it tip in over or something. To be honest Jac i was a little suprised that you hadnt even decorated a christmas tree. I helped you up onto the chair so you could reach and then helped you back down again. We sat together beside the tree before you reached underneath and pulled out a present from my secret santa (Which i knew was you by the way.) When i opened it you laughed an Andy Murray autobiography. You where happy then werent you Jac ? I could see it in your eyes you were genuailly happy._

_A week later and you were jetting off to Sweden in search of Mr Hanseen. I knew that something was going on between you and Ms Campbell i mean she wouldnt just send you off to Sweden on the off chance that he would be there. While you where away i missed you even with the hundreds of text messages you sent me and that phone call which cost you £12.50. When you arrived back i was a little disappointed when you havent brought me a present you know one of those viking helmets with the big horns and long pigtails, but i was just happy to have you back. But then a few hours later that when it wall fell apart. _

_Unlke you i remember pretty much everything from those 48 hours ever since you left those memorys have been on constant replay in my head. You asked in your letter if when i said i was proud of you if i really meant it. Jac i want you to listen to me now i really did mean what i said up there. I really am proud of you Jac. And im going to constantly be telling you that until you believe it. You are a brilliant Surgeon Jac, and a truly amazing women and i love you so much i really do. I know that you are not proud of what you have done and i could see the gulit in your eyes that night when you told me._

_Basically Jac what im trying to tell you is that i love you. I have never stopped loving you, and i just want us to be happy. So i have decided that when you get back from Japan we are going to forget everything with Sean ever happened and get on with our lives together._

_Im the bottom of this envelope i have enclosed a key. Its a key to my flat, when you get back i want you to come straight round i dont care what time it is just come please._

_I love you Jac Naylor_

_Jonny x x x_

By the time Jac had finished reading the letter tears where running freely down her checks. Had Jonny really just said all those things to her. Had he really just taken her back after everything she had done. She really did love Jonny and she knew he loved her too. Jac climbed into bed that night smiling something she hadnt done in a long time. As she climbed into bed she noticed the large grey t-shirt on the back of the chair it was Jonnys every night she had been to Japan it had been like her comfort blanket. There was still a slight trace of his aftershave lingering on it, sleeping with it had reminded Jac of the good times they had spent together laying in bed Jacs head rested on his chest listening to his strong heart pound inside his chest, Jonnys arm snaked around her silm frame holding her close to him.

That night Jac fell asleep know that soon she would be back where she belonged. In Jonnys arms.


End file.
